Friday, January 19, 2007

Wallowing in My Own Self Pity

I've realized that my blogs range from super depressing to funny and lighthearted... and I have no clue why.

Sorry, but today, it's gonna be sad.

I started having trouble sleeping again. I can't help but worry about my future during every moment of downtime available to me. Unfortunately, nothing makes sense to me unless I'm able to rationalize it on a fully rested mind, so I'm pretty much doomed to be tired every waking moment until my brain finally shuts down and allows me a full nights sleep. Anyway, back to the "future" thing.

I'm no closer to figuring out what I want to do with my life, and that's kind of where I want to be anyway. Let me explain: I don't ever want to consider it "too late" to discover a new hobby or career. Humans are not meant to do the same thing for fifty years, it gets boring. It doesn't matter if you make minimum wage or pull in six figures a year, you still won't be truly happy with yourself if everything's the same day in and day out. I feel that variety is key to survival in this world.

Yet, still I worry. This is mainly because I have no one to share my forever-changing landscape of activities and ideals with- no one cares. It would be extremely selfish of me if I injected my own insanity into everyone else's lives, but I can't find the answer in my own brain.

I feel that there's nothing a college kid can do to form these sorts of relationships- these are ones you can share intellectual as well as emotional conversations with. People use the excuse that they're partying with new people in order to be social, and to "establish long-lasting friendships and relationships." I'm sorry, but if two people start a relationship by being talking while they're shitfaced, there's no way the relationship will survive. It's not a quality interraction among adults. Everyone needs at least one person-a "significant" other, if you will- that they can express their concerns and beliefs, or ideas, with. I've been "significantly" lacking in this prospect of my life.

The why is pretty simple-shit, I can barely stand myself, there's no reason anyone else would be able to deal with me. I'm an insomniac, I'm completely out of my fucking mind, and there are certain aspects of my life that no one wants to know about. When I delve into my own mind, I feel like I need a freshly sharpened machete and several thousand pounds of dynomite to clear a path through the jungle...

...anyone else would probably pull the plug.

But I guess I'm rambling now, you all can take what you want from it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't know how loved you really are, Rob.

8:09 AM  

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