Saturday, December 23, 2006

Choose Life

I looked over the entire city from up in the mountains. I picked up a rock and cast it from the ridge, watching it fall for what seemed like an eternity. Looking at these two contrasting images made me think-

Two completely different yet equally amazing aspects of the environment. On the one hand, you have the city- a jumble of technological and architectural feats truly showing the advancement of human beings on this earth. An example of man taking a clean slate, a desert, and turning it into a self sufficient society, utilizing every aspect of human nature, and inventiveness.

On the other hand, you have the mountains. These are truly the last untampered parts of the world. For all you know, your footprint could be the only thing disturbing this landscape for the past hundred years. The simplicity of life in the form of plants and animals growing wild in the forest. Yet, while simple, it shows a tremendous amount of courage and adaptation for these wild beings. In a way, it is just as amazing an accomplishment as the raising of a city, or better yet, an empire.

Two sides of the world, not even a mile apart. Both these environments, the city and the mountainous region, were given the same resources, yet one evolved into a jungle of greenery and nature, while the other grew into a jungle of metropolitan aspects, extremely populous not with greenery, but people and buildings.

So what is my point? I really don't have one. I just know that I would love to be Grizzly Adams for a day or even a week, maybe even a year. It's important to see where we come from, and the beauty of the mountains is truly a force to be reckoned with. Then again, the beauty of city life is equally amazing, and may tug at the same heartstrings of someone else.

While I settle with these thoughts, the snow begins falling. I glance into the sky, and in the midst of the cloudcover I see a shooting star streak across the night sky. I look down this twenty or thirty foot drop and realize that while I have a life in the city, there is also beauty in becoming one with nature, on your own, even if it is just for a little while.

This is the feeling that makes your heart skip a beat, it makes you realize that no matter how "piddling and insignificant" you may feel at some point, you can still make a difference to one person or a million people.

That's all I want when I die-I want to make at least one person feel alive, make them laugh, smile, and make a difference in their lives. I think it's important to make a difference in someone else's life, if not just for the fact that it makes your own spirit that much more healthy.

This is where I take the time to get up and start the trail down from the mountains. I realize that I have some responsibilities in my city life, and that I probably should get back.

But I'll be damned if I'm not gonna take my time coming down, and enjoy the scenery.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

content

Alex fidgeted in his jacket pocket for a cigarette lighter and sparked another number. He hurriedly stuffed the lighter back in his jacket, and put his hands in along with it, shivering in the bitter cold. He eagerly sucked in the smoke, not letting one bit of it go to waste. This was it, the moment he’d been waiting for.

It was a chance to be alone, a chance to enjoy the world and his situation on earth, away from judgement by anyone and everyone. In his mind, he was all that mattered.
He used to think that failure was inevitable, but he now realized that failure was impossible. No matter what he knew that he was where he was supposed to be in life, and nothing could change that. His grades didn’t matter, his job didn’t matter, merely the fact that he existed was enough for sustenance.

As he forced drag after drag into his body, he realized that this moment was his happiest, and yet he was still alone. Three AM, and winter was closing in on him. He looked in the sky and noticed for once that everything was in its right place, everything was aligned just perfectly. He never really took the time to notice just how beautiful the sky was at night.

He snuffed his butt out against a concrete wall and leaned against his house, watching his breath form in the cold air. Even in his moment of ecstasy, he realized that there was one thing missing in his life.

There was still her, the one girl he thought of every moment of every day, for years. She was the one, he knew it, but he still knew he could never have her. She was far gone, and even though they still talked daily, he couldn’t shake off the fact that he should move on. She would never be his, and even if she was, they could never be happy together. This was one weight on his chest he would be forced to bear for life.

Alex wasn’t shivering anymore. He was perfectly content with his thoughts, which he raced through, file after file, until he found what he was looking for. A memory, far away from this place, where he realized who he was and exactly what he would do in his life. Then he took a second to remind himself that life wasn’t about this, it’s not about the money, the ten second car, or the suburbia lifestyle.

It’s about living to your limits, and being happy with who you are as you wake up late on a Sunday morning and drink a cup of coffee. It’s about being content with where you are, both in location and in spirit. In one word, the key to a happy life was as follows:

Content.

Somewhere a car backfired, jolting Alex out of his stupor. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes, fully knowing that no matter what life threw at him next, he could take it. This, this was truly the hip hoo-fucking-ray everyone was searching for in life.

Now shivering again, Alex stepped inside, and shut the door, leaving the beautiful night sky behind him.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Take a Breath

Take a second to relax.
Close your eyes, and just listen.
Listen to silence, listen to music, or listen to your heart beat.
Remind yourself you're alive.

Breathe in slowly.

Life's full of possiblilites,
and opportunities.
No one can tell you who you are
or where you're going to be in ten years.

Now I'm hyperventilating.
It's the caffiene.
I'm wondering about everything that could possibly occur to me in a lifetime.
Think about it-

A lifetime.

Maybe what? Seventy five years?
Nine Hundred months?
27375 days, and I'm gonna make every one of them count.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Finals

Finals start on Saturday.

This is not good. What this means for me is that I will be running off no sleep until they end on Wednesday. I've found over the years that from the time finals begin until they end, I cannot sleep. I worry constantly about how well I will do on every single test, even if I know I'm prepared. I cannot control it, but I will lie awake all night worrying.

Fuck.

Let's hope the guys at Starbucks are stocked up with espresso for the next week, I just might run out their stock. My brother and I are really good at running off no sleep and too much caffiene though, so we'll see how this week runs. The only thing I really need to say is that I cannot be held responsible for ANY of my actions from Saturday through Wednesday, but you'll probably want to avoid me at all costs anyway, because insanity is a bitch.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Early Morning Musings

So last night would have been a great night. I actually had all my homework done, and I was in bed by 10:30. I'd been sick all weekend, and was ready to relax and take it slow for the day. I have nothing due this week, and all I have to worry about was finals this weekend and next week, and only one of those is going to be especially difficult.

But last night my insomnia also kicked in. I was finally able to get into some real sleep around 1:30, after several bouts of 15-minute "naps" interspersed with the worst nightmares I've ever had. That was still alright though, because I'm normally able to function on 5 hours of sleep, and I didn't really need to be up until 6:30. Unfortunately, my dogs had other plans.

Calvin, my mutt, decided that it would be a good idea to get up at 4:30 and start scratching incessantly at my door. Normally, this would be fine, if I ignore him for about five minutes, he's normally gives up and goes somewhere else. My father, however, decided to come over, open my door, and let him in. This would still have been fine, but instead of lying down right away, Calvin decided to jump into the desk, and knock over a huge bag of sunflower seeds from the night before.

So instead of sleeping, I was forced to spend about fifteen minutes cleaning up sunflower seeds which should have been resting on my desk. Of course, this made me even angrier, and I wasn't able to doze off again until around 6:15.

So now I'm running off no sleep, and tonight's dinner menu has been changed to "Calvin Stew." It's a chef special.

Oh, and the people at Starbucks look at you kinda wierd when you get a quadruple shot of espresso three days in a row. Just a heads up...