Wednesday, November 29, 2006


I need a new vacation. It's been too long and I've been working too hard. I don't even know what it is about vacations that makes them so fun. In reality, you should be worried the whole time-You're in a new place with new people, and nothing is familiar.

I think that may just be what people crave- they want to go somewhere where no one knows their name. It's just interesting how the human mind work. We don't need to eliminate stressors, just replace the old ones with new ones, even temporarily.

For example, when you're in your own town, you're probably worried about your job, your financial condition, how the kids are doing in school, etc. When you're on vacation, you're not worried about these things necessarily, but you're worried about other important situations instead. For example, what's aunt Mal gonna think about us when she sees us? Are the kid's gonna get thrown in jail?

When I go on vacation, I go to the most desolate (but natural) spot within range. I could easily spend a couple of days on the side of a mountain somewhere, just contemplating life. But when I do something like this, it isn't to escape my life as it is now, it's to recognize the fact that I was born of this earth, and I am a creature on it, just as every other being.

I think too often people try to think of themselves as better than everything else on earth, but the fact is we are all part of this wild blue orb in the middle of wide open space.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

"Watching the Days Burning Out Like a Cigarette"

I never meant for it to end,
but I lost her, I fell out of touch.
There was no reason for it to end,
in fact, we should have been content together forever.

But now I am alone.
I watch the lights at night through the smoke of a cigarette-
and I realize I'm lost without her.
It's 3 AM, and I have no one.

I wasn't like other guys,
I wasn't with her just to hook up.
I was above that, and she needed a companion.
She needed a man, not a guy.

But it ended anyway, and now she avoids me at all costs,
and no matter what, I can't help but feel empty.
Like I have nothing,
but still I wonder...

Does she still have nights where she thinks about me?
If I didn't have the same impact on her that she had on me,
then I'm just imagining there was something between us.
But there's no way these feelings could betray me.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

time to dig myself out of a hole...

Ok, I did absolutely nothing I should have the last couple of days. Instead of writing my paper that's due in english and working on my Astronomy review, I played video games and smoked hookah. Granted, I needed a little break because I was feeling so stressed, but...shit. Now I'm completely fucking screwed. Oh well. But I did find a cool new song- well, new to me anyway, but you should listen to it anyway:
Jack's Mannequin-The Mixed Tape

Lemme know if this song changes your life, because it's absolutely amazing.

Anyways, off to fail tests and papers, everyone have a wonderful day.

Friday, November 10, 2006


This morning I found out that one of my best friend's sister died in a car accident yesterday. I don't know what to feel or think about it, but what worries me most is that I don't know if I could handle it.

Last year my dad tried to commit suicide, and it took me months to tell even the people closest to me. Most of my friends still don't know about it. That is honestly the closest I've ever come to true loss in my life, and it was the hardest time I've ever had. For months I couldn't sleep at all, I was like a zombie in my own little world. The thing is, I don't know how the depression would set in were I to actually lose someone.

If I lost my brother or one of my parents, even if I lost a friend, especially unexpectedly, I don't know how I could cope. Everyone says the healing process is different for everyone, but I don't know if I've ever truly been taught how to heal.

Even now, even though I'd never even met my friend's sister, I am almost overcome with remorse. The past couple of hours have been like a movie, and I don't know what happens next. All I do know is that I wish I could take some of the pain away, because I know it's far too bad for any one individual to deal with.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Say Anything...

Everyone needs to start listening to newer music. I've listened to the radio for the past couple of days, and found myself wanting to cut my ears off. Virtually every song on the radio is a poppy, contrived piece of shit. Even when the average good song comes out on the radio, it's overplayed so much that everyone is tired of it within the week! I don't get it-then you get a few good bands, and nobody ever hears of them or supports them.

Music is the most powerful form of communication available becaus it can convey serious thoughts, emotion, and attitude at any time. Any time you hear a good song, you can realize it because of the way it makes you feel. Even if you don't agree with the message, it's the way it's argued that makes the difference.

That's what I don't get about these cookie cutter bands- they try to convey a message that makes no sense or that they have no experience in anyway. Most don't even write their own songs. I don't understand why people support these mockeries of art.

True music should make you feel something- it's that simple. You should be able to understand the message and appreciate the artist's opinion, while formulating your own. It shouldn't be about making tons of money- it should be about making a point and providing a fresh perspective on any situation, no matter how complex or off the wall. It should be about getting those who listen interested in your point, even if it is only for a second.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

"A whisp of cotton candy framing a paper cut..."

Bill Hicks was a God among men. He died in 1993, but shortly before that, he did a bit about George Bush Sr. Losing. It was something along the lines of him talking about fighting the tyrannical elephant of republicanism along with his artist friends, and finally bringing him down after twelve years of oppression. keep in mind, this happened in 1992. I just think it's kind of eerie that I feel the same way right now. Just two more years, and if Democrats take the White House, I can live in peace for a couple more years.

I kind of feel like now we can embrace creativity and diversity, whereas for a long time I've felt as if I couldn't have my own voice. I was tired of being ashamed living in the United States, but now I feel like we have a chance to redeem ourselves.

Now, instead of thinking that America's right all the time, I think we can finally learn to love our country, and I do believe Democrats love their country more than Republicans. Republicans love their country like a three year old loves it's mommy. Mommy's always right, and can do no wrong, and we will follow her blindly into the darkness. Democrat's love is much more mature, we take the good with the bad, acknowledge the flaws, and do our best to fix them, all while taking help when we need it and working to improve the great nation we live in.

I know it's an uphill battle, but I'm glad to identify myself as a "liberal hate-speaker" for the time being. ;)

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk?"

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. I can never really be happy unless I have a million things going at once. I've been that way since the beginning of high school, too. I will avoid doing my homework for days, until I have nineteen other assignments to do, then I will sit down, and work on them all at once. Normally, this occurs while I am watching a movie or listening to music. Or, I could be at "work" doing this homework.

Take right now, for example. Right now I'm writing a blog, listening to music, and writing two papers, one for English, and one for Astronomy. Both these papers are due on Wednesday. In addition, I'm also playing a game boy, because I need to save Hyrule in The Legend of Zelda(c'mon, I'm saving the world here-at least I have some priorities in order).

In about an hour I have to leave for work, where I will probably be pretty busy until around 5. I also need to study some Calculus amidst the madness, because I have a test again on Wednesday.

The funny thing is, I love it. It used to be that I would get preoccupied when I had to do this much stuff, but now, I just deal with it. Plus, if you let people know you're busy, they won't really bother you with stupid questions. When I'm busy with school and work, I'm able to have "quiet time" if you will. I'm able to listen to music I want, and I don't have to worry about what others think of me. I can save my personal life for weekends, anyway. Plus, when you're busy all week with shit to do, it makes it much more easy to unwind with a hookah at the weekend, because you feel you've finally accomplished something.

Monday, November 06, 2006


Freshman life at the University of New Mexico is...well, not unlike other college campuses in America, I suppose. The only difference is we aren't all white. There's lots of hispanics at UNM, and lots of wierd people. If you ever come to Albuquerque, wander Central at like 4 AM. If you don't get shot, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Unfortunately, I still live at home. I'm normally at school, work, or doing homework. I don't get much time to hang out with friends, but when I do... well, it's pretty tame lately, actually. I used to party, but not as much now. I'd rather experience people while being myself, actually.

Work...that's a joke, too. I work at Ben and Jerry's. Now, I COULD get a better paying job...but I like it. I'm paid 8.50 plus tips to shoot the shit with customers and talk to cute girls. Not to mention, when it's slow (i.e. all during the winter months) I'm pretty much paid to do my homework. Now that's a job. And home's not so bad either, I pretty much show up to sleep and eat, and that's it.

Now... ever since family issues out of my control beginning last year, I've been sort of an insomniac. About a third of the weeks out of the year, I pretty much get no sleep. I imagine some of it's stress, and the rest of it is that I've had almost twenty years to try and figure out what I want in my life, and as of right now I don't know what I want as far as relationships, life, and a carreer go, so I guess I'm up worrying about that most of the time too. I could take sleeping pills...but no. I'd rather deal with it the old fashioned way, by grinning and bearing it. Besides, when you don't sleep for like 4 days straight, you don't have any filter between your brain and your mouth, so it kind of lets you speak your mind.

So catch me when I'm running on no sleep, quadruple shots of espresso, and a beer or two. That's when I'll be the most honest...