Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Back...from the dead...

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick

I feel like rolling a number and hitting the road for a good long while. I need to get away and start new, get as far away as possible from things that remind me of... well, everything leading up to this point in my life.

In a way, I'm torn. Half the time I believe that all of my friends, all these people I've shared my life with are an absolute necessity for my survival. Without them, without you, perhaps I really am nothing but a shell of a person.

On the other hand, perhaps the input of others is holding me back. I'd like to believe that I lead my life based on what I feel, what I need. Anything else- maybe it's just baggage. Maybe the key to a good life, or to finding what's missing to make a good life, is just good music and awkward, novel situations.

Maybe... or maybe the copious drug use, family issues, and other stressors on my mental health have finally caught up with me, and I've finally become the raving lunatic I was worried I'd become...

Then again, there just might be something special left up in my crazy, unbelievably scarred psyche... hmmm...

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Fuck that

So there was this girl I really liked in high school. Besides the fact that she was completely drop-dead gorgeous, she was also really fucking cool. We could talk about anything and everything together. You know, families, what we want to do with our lives, etcetera. Anyways, she'd gone out with a couple of guys that were, needless to say, much more socially acceptable than myself. Last I'd heard, she was going out with this guy named Chris, a talented athlete and heartless shitstain. Seriously, every time this guy talked, I wanted to take a cheese grater to his face.

Anyways, I'd overlooked that fact, because what are friends for, you know? And this situation wasn't really worth being a dick about.

We both went to the same school after Eldorado, and even though we've been good friends, we kind of lost touch. We didn't exactly fall out of contact, but our meetings have been way to short and far between. Sometimes if we're at the same party, I drunk carry her just like old times in high school, you know?

Fast forward- I haven't talked to her in like a month, and I finally see her from a distance at school today. I didn't have a chance to talk to her or anything, but it was still good to see her. Anyway, later in the day I'm talking to a buddy of mine, and we get on the subject of this girl.

Come to find out, the asshole I mentioned had cheated on her over Winter Break. Not only that, but he's been bragging about it for a while now too. This guy has officially fallen off the deep end. I don't understand this bullshit, this girl is the epitome of what every guy wants- smart, extremely nice, open, and completely beautiful. I hate to dwell on her looks, but she's a girl and a half.

This guy got demoted from shitstain to asshole itch. Sorry about the language, but dammit... I don't like to see the people I care about get hurt.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Faces in the Hall

Alex stared down the aisle of chairs in front of him. Mr. Helkin was explaining something about math theory, but Alex wasn't taking it in. What was interesting him most at the moment was the tile.

Perhaps he wasn't an ordinary kid, maybe he was just a little strung out, but he didn't like to look at it that way. He was completely full of wonder, and what bothered him the most was that he would never know the answer to any of the questions that left him awake at night. Why was he here?

Not in the biblical sense, the proverbial "greatest question," but more personal. Alex wanted to know his purpose, just his, and not the rest of the worlds. He wanted to know what would make him happy in the world. This didn't have anything to do with his future as well, just the instantaneous: What is the best aspect of his life he can improve? Not forever, just at this very moment.

The irony was that he had now been pondering this question for the better part of an hour, which made him completely miserable. He didn't know what to do, so he sat there, petrified, in the very back of the classroom. He saw the rest of the kids scribbling, taking notes on the lecture, but he knew this wasn't for him. He wasn't sure whether to sit back and fall asleep or to jump up and scream, but he knew that this wasn't the right time for him to be in that class.

Maybe another time, just not now. Now it was time to grab life and go outside-to goof off and get into trouble. This would make any teenager happy again...

But instead, he was stuck, "learning" something about derivatives. Now he would have to pretend to write something useful down, never look at it again, and get mediocre test scores.

Bad ass.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Insomnia

"Do you believe you're missing out,
and everything good is happening somewhere else?"


Maybe this is the reason I stay up late at night and never really fully fall asleep. I started listening to music when I'm trying to sleep at night, and I put all my music on shuffle. Last night, I was zoning out when this song, "Jesus Christ" by Brand New, came on. I've never listened to it the whole way through, but for some reason, this lyric popped out at me.

Sorry, this may not seem interesting to anyone else, but whatever. It's just that I never really pay attention to what many "artists" say while they're singing, unless it's Bob Dylan...or Eric Clapton...or Bradley Nowell...Kurt Cobain...well, you get the picture. I'm sure there's some great songwriters out nowadays, but I'm pretty sure that most of them have nothing of value to say to me while I'm in this particular stage in my life.

Maybe I'm close-minded, but I just can't find any deeper meaning in "I'm bringing sexy back."

Yeah?

Anyways, I'm off on a tangent. My point is that this lyric just popped out at me last night at around three o'clock in the morning. It was after about fifty or sixty other songs that didn't say anything special to me, not at that particular moment anyway.

I realize it's not an extremely complex structure or anything, it's a relatively simplex statement. But it hit me at that time, and I really needed it at that moment in my life. Lying in bed, with absolutely nothing on my mind, I realized that there's a lot more of this world than Albuquerque. In fact, I'd always realized it, but now it's become amazingly clear to me that if I want to experience life in the fullest, I need to free myself from physical and spiritual schackles that keep my body and my mind tethered.

Goddamn, music really can change a life. It can be dramatic, or just simple.

I like that.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Wallowing in My Own Self Pity

I've realized that my blogs range from super depressing to funny and lighthearted... and I have no clue why.

Sorry, but today, it's gonna be sad.

I started having trouble sleeping again. I can't help but worry about my future during every moment of downtime available to me. Unfortunately, nothing makes sense to me unless I'm able to rationalize it on a fully rested mind, so I'm pretty much doomed to be tired every waking moment until my brain finally shuts down and allows me a full nights sleep. Anyway, back to the "future" thing.

I'm no closer to figuring out what I want to do with my life, and that's kind of where I want to be anyway. Let me explain: I don't ever want to consider it "too late" to discover a new hobby or career. Humans are not meant to do the same thing for fifty years, it gets boring. It doesn't matter if you make minimum wage or pull in six figures a year, you still won't be truly happy with yourself if everything's the same day in and day out. I feel that variety is key to survival in this world.

Yet, still I worry. This is mainly because I have no one to share my forever-changing landscape of activities and ideals with- no one cares. It would be extremely selfish of me if I injected my own insanity into everyone else's lives, but I can't find the answer in my own brain.

I feel that there's nothing a college kid can do to form these sorts of relationships- these are ones you can share intellectual as well as emotional conversations with. People use the excuse that they're partying with new people in order to be social, and to "establish long-lasting friendships and relationships." I'm sorry, but if two people start a relationship by being talking while they're shitfaced, there's no way the relationship will survive. It's not a quality interraction among adults. Everyone needs at least one person-a "significant" other, if you will- that they can express their concerns and beliefs, or ideas, with. I've been "significantly" lacking in this prospect of my life.

The why is pretty simple-shit, I can barely stand myself, there's no reason anyone else would be able to deal with me. I'm an insomniac, I'm completely out of my fucking mind, and there are certain aspects of my life that no one wants to know about. When I delve into my own mind, I feel like I need a freshly sharpened machete and several thousand pounds of dynomite to clear a path through the jungle...

...anyone else would probably pull the plug.

But I guess I'm rambling now, you all can take what you want from it.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Gadgets

I love electronics shit. I got an iPod for Christmas, and even though I hate that America has become so materialistic, I love it. Nothing beats having literally months of music on you at all times. Plus, I can watch episodes of South Park anywhere I go. Hey, c'mon, I know it's toilet humor, and I feel kinda dirty after watching it, but what the hell? So I find release in crazy dirty TV shows rather than drugs or alcohol. Sue me.

But that's another story for another day. The reason I bring up iPods and gadgets is to show an extreme generation gap. It seems to me that these generation gaps are getting smaller in length as time progresses. First off, dad still can't turn on the computer without staring at it blankly for ten or fifteen minutes. Technology is evolving rapidly, and humanity is barely keeping up with breakthroughs.

WMA. MP3. DVD. HDTV. All of these formats have become extremely popular in the past ten years. You don't even see VHS tapes or cassettes in stores anymore. It even looks like the life of the CD is nearing extinction. It's so much easier to download something off the internet rather than rush to the nearest Hastings, where they may or may not have what you're looking for. Why go through the hassle?

And mind you, this is only in the past couple of years. Only in the past couple of years has text messaging become popular among high school and college kids- this is creating a gap between siblings. The technological world is making it impossible for us to keep up. Before we know it, humans will be obsolete.

I'm getting carried away. This isn't really my worry...

My problem has to do with my own sense of nostalgia. I really miss standing in line waiting for an album or movie to come out. I miss having something that separates the real fans from the posers. Now, any moron with a computer can rip an album weeks before it's "technically" released. The same goes for movies.

Some technology is good for society, but in a way it is ruining the entertainment industry. This makes me extremely sad, and I worry about the future of art in our world.

Friday, January 05, 2007

House

"Differential diagnosis: Go!" -Hugh Laurie

I have no friends.
My family hasn't heard a single complete sentence out of my mouth since Christmas.
I'd rather get a bedpan than use the restroom.

Why the sudden change in behavior? House on DVD.

I'm addicted. I will literally watch six episodes in a row, no breaks. Mom's freaking out, she thinks the change in personality is due to drug use. Dad'll watch with me, but only one or two episodes. I'm ashamed, I expected more commitment from family members.

In a way, I wish I was addicted to some new manufacturers drug rather than House. The show is extremely bad for you. Not moving from a couch for six hours straight can cause blood clots to form.

So far it's only made me gain weight.

It also makes me scared to move... at all. Did you know that a copper buildup in your systems can cause schizophrenia and blood-composed vomit? Parisites can liquify your brain in less than a day. Ernheim-Chester's disease can cause your lungs, liver, pancreas, and heart to shut down. And some mystery disorder that was never explained can cause your eyes, tongue, and testicle (no "s") to explode.

Why on earth should I get off the couch and risk all those diseases?

Simon, pass the cheez-its.